A quick run-down should you ever find yourself trapped in a horror movie and would prefer to live to tell the tale.
1. Don’t have sex.
- Seriously
- Abstinence is key.
2. Don’t go out with people you’ve just met that day.
- I don’t care how good he says his weed is
- he is cuckoo bananas
- and he wants you dead.
3. Don’t go to camp. Especially one where someone was murdered.
- There are six words you should YouTube, should you get the chance
- “Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th”
4. Find a good hiding place and… STAY. THERE.
- If the killer can’t see you or hear you WHY WOULD YOU MOVE?
- Possibly the easiest rule to follow and, ironically enough, the easiest to break.
5. Always wear sensible shoes, ‘cause you never know when you’ll need to run through the woods.
- Someone will always be barefoot
- Or in heels
- Or just plain clumsy
- And will sprain their ankles
- And die.
6. If the town looks deserted, it’s probably because everyone is dead.
- Don’t walk around looking for people
- House of Wax, anyone?
7. Don’t be a hero.
- Unless you’re name is Harry Fucking Potter, you will die.
- Hell, maybe even then.
- I mean.
8. If you hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate.
- The killer is there.
- Also your dog is dead.
9. Always check the backseat before entering your vehicle.
- The last thing you need is to be killed while trying to merge on the expressway.
10. If your car breaks down in front of a dilapidated gas station, don’t ask a sketchy-looking townie for help.
- Some part of your body will wind up in his pick-up truck
11. Don’t go into the basement.
- They are creepy enough without you dying in one.
12. If you’re trying to buy a house and the real estate agent won’t answer any direct questions about either the history of the home or the previous tenants, DO NOT MOVE IN.
- At some point, someone in the house heard voices and cracked.
13. Turn off the television (and run away) if a girl crawls out of it.
- It is obviously your wisest choice.
- SEE ALSO: poltergeist, daughter trapped in tv because of.
14. If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism.
- Move very very far away
- Because there’s blood on your walls.
- Blood.
- Your
- Walls
- Are
- Bleeding.
15. Don’t act like a detective.
- Some crazy Japanese kid who meows like a cat will attack you in a closet.
- If you live, awesome story to tell your friend, right?
- But if you die, it is like the opposite of awesome.
16. Google the location you’ll be vacationing at.
- If more than five reports for “Missing Persons” pops up, you know not to go there.
- Issue. Solved.
17. Don’t get drunk. Or come under the influence of any mind-altering drug.
- Running away from a killer is that much harder when you’re tipsy and giggling.
18. If you see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s one of your friends playing a trick on you to scare you.
- It is the killer.
- ALSO: laughing while saying, “Tommy, is that you in that stupid mask? Oh, I’m so-o-o-o-o scared!” is not conducive to your surviving.
- Killers are very sensitive about their disguises.
19. Don’t take a shower.
- ONLY APPLIES IF:
- It’s past midnight at the campground you and your sorority sisters are staying at or
- The lock to the door doesn’t work and you hear creepy piano music
AND THE LAST AND MOST IMPORTANT:
20. If the call is coming from inside the house, get out.
- Clearly the killer is not outside, now is he
Polite cat
That little headbutt in the second one gave me diabetes.
Oh my god give me
DAMMIT.
“Excuse me, human. I would like a petting, please. Yes, thank you.”
“Um, excuse me, human? Human? Ah yes, I’d like another petting please. Ah, thank you.”
(Source: toptumbles)
Via I have no idea~
Someone calculated the points of every Whose Line cast member:
Wayne Brady: 50,072,587,425
Ryan Stiles: 11,113,372,791.5
Colin Mochrie: 3,012,399,040.5
Chip Esten: 2,004,047,000
Greg Proops: 1,001,122,117
Brad Sherwood: 1,071,980.5
Denny Segal: 1,059,560
Karen Maruyama: 1,004,450
Kathy Greenwood: 59,810
Stephen Colbert: 12,000
Kathy Griffin: 5,000
Ian Gomez: 4,000
Jeff Davis: 3,300
Josie Lawrence: 3000
Whoopi Goldberg: 2,500
Patrick Bristow: 1,000
Robin Williams: 1,000
Kathy Kinney: 50The points mattered to someone
Goofy is the only classic Disney character who has had sex.
Mickey has nephews, Donald has nephews, Goofy has a son.
And he wasn’t adopted, he looks just like him.
Goofy……has had sex.
Goofy…..has known a woman biblically….Imagine what it must’ve looked like.
Imagine what it sounded like.These are the things I think about when I wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat.
Hyuk hyuk.
paradigms-of-a-time-lord-memory:
Considering I’ve played way too many video games and love Community, I decided to break down the list of Hilda’s topics from the brilliant Digital Estate Planning by game. This is truly a testament to the absurd amount of detail the show puts into even the smallest jokes.
frog extinction (Winky the Frog)
ostrich (Expresso the Ostrich)
other parrot (Parry the Parallel Bird)
anglerfish (Glimmer the Anglerfish)
spider (Squitter the Spider)
snake (Rattly the Rattlesnake)
parrot (Sqawks the Parrot)
swordfish (Enguarde the Swordfish)
rhino (Rambi the Rhinoceros)These are all animal buddies in the Donkey Kong Country series. Why frog is listed as frog extinction is a bit more of a stretch, however. It could be because Winky is the only animal buddy to appear in Donky Kong Country I that doesn’t show up in the sequels (though Expresso only returns in the Gameboy Advanced version of Donkey Kong Country II).
magic carpet
rocket ship
albatross
ladder bugThese all deal with travelling in Super Mario Brothers 2.
hidden pipe
subcon vase
magic flute (Warp Whistle)
star zoneThese are ways to skip levels in various Mario games. The Star Zone refers to bonus levels.
rashes
zits
pimples
dark queenRash, Zitz, and Pimple are the protagonists of the infamous NES game Battletoads. The Dark Queen is the antagonist.
mechanical (Mechanical Age)
stoneship (Stoneship Age)
channel wood (Channelwood Age)
space ship (Selentic Age)The ages in Myst.
old man trainer (The Pokemon catching tutorial in Viridian City)
fly on a bird (Use Fly)
cinnamon island (Cinnabar Island)
seal along the shore (The Surf sprite looks like Seel. Use it along the shore of Cinnabar Island)This is how you encounter the glitch Pokemon Missingno in Pokemon Red and Blue.
black lightning
hornet
shredder
avengerOk, I totally had to Google this one. These are all apparently hovercrafts from the next to unknown N64 racing game AeroGauge.
wing hat (Wing Cap)
magic feather (Super Leaf)
raccoon clothes (Tanooki Suit)
running jumpThese are all power-ups from Mario. Each one greatly boosts Mario’s abilities when doing a running jump.
collect all blue coins (A way to get Shine Sprites)
island of annoying voices (Isle Delfino)
hot tub end boss (Bowser)All references to Super Mario Sunshine. Right down to the incredibly annoying Pianta voices.
mustached mushroom (Toadsworth)
I’m not 100% sure about this one, but it does fit in with the Super Mario Sunshine section. Toadsworth was introduced in Sunshine.
bell toss
charged fireball
time bombs
rock punchI honestly have no idea. If anyone does know, please hit me up.
blue fire (Beth)
green fire (Amy)
purple fire (Meg)
boring regular old fire (Joelle)These are the colors of the Poe sisters’ flames in the Forest Temple of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.
flying war ships (Super Mario Brothers 3)
clown face helicopter (Super Mario World/Paper Mario)
teeter totter flying floor (Super Mario 64)
unstable bath (Super Mario Sunshine)The ways you encounter Bowser in Mario games.
impervious to lava (Juno can walk through fire and lava)
underwater exploration (Vela can stay underwater indefinitely)
hover puppy (Lupis the dog has a jet pack)
giant ant dance club (Insect Dance Club)These describe the abilities of characters and a location from the N64 shooter Jet Force Gemini.
good karma quests
fun quests
unkillable bears
antiphysics horseThe first two could really describe several modern RPGs, but unkillable bears is a glitch found in The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. As for antiphysics horses…
bubble attack (Bubble Lead)
leaf attack (Leaf Shield)
time freeze attack (Time Stopper)
metal blade attack (Metal Blade)These are all special weapons in Megaman 2.
egg treatment (You must hatch the Pocket Cucco)
blue poultry (The blue Cucco Cojiro)
the chicken lady (The lady in Kakariko Village who breeds Cuccos)
forest fungus (The Odd Mushroom in the Lost Woods)
wild children (The pale guy that gives you the Odd Mushroom)
trippy potions (The potion brewed from the mushroom)
pharmacist (The potion shop owner)
sawing small trees (The Poacher’s Saw)
carpenter camps (The carpenter in Gerudo Valley)
broken swords (The broken Biggoron’s Sword)
giant rock monster (Biggoron himself)
frog prescriptions (The prescription for Biggoron’s eye drops needs an Eyeball Frog)
vision medication (The eye drops Biggoron needs to see)
brick vouchers (The claim check for the sword. It’s written in stone)
extra large swords (Biggoron’s Sword)This is the trade sequence you need to go through to obtain Biggoron’s sword in The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.
AweSome.
Reblogging mainly because of the list
GENIUS
Via Born wearing a fucking bowtie.
From the room in which Remedial Chaos Theory was broken by Chris McKenna and writers. I’m sorry, that’s not accurate. The room in which Chris McKenna and writers were broken by Remedial Chaos Theory. Thank you so much for your patience and sacrifices, guys.
This is awesome
Via Dan Harmon Poops
Baby hippo baby hippo baby hippo!
WE INTERRUPT THIS NERD BLOG FOR A BABY HIPPO.
YOU MAY NOW GO BACK TO YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED FANGIRLING.
OH MAI GAWD
THIS IS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME
(Source: drawing-bored)
Via Heeeere's Alex.
About me
My name is Tori. I'm 21. This is my brain noise. I hope you can understand it better than I can.
